


Virge

by triggermoreliketiger



Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders
Genre: I swear, Other, Remy is super-supportive, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Virge is a little bit insecure, but actually very badass, it's really cute, like... there are some tears but it's sweet, lots of love eventually, mtf Virge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-02 23:57:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14556396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triggermoreliketiger/pseuds/triggermoreliketiger
Summary: Turns out that “Virge” isn’t shorter form of “Virgil”





	Virge

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: dysphoria, small anxiety attack

She knew that this moment was coming.

She was running away for so long but, of course, this day, shameful day, had to come.

“My name…” she started slowly, knowing that there’s still time to turn it into a joke or to just tell the truth. Truth that was breaking her bones, truth that was making her stomach swirl, that made her heart beat faster.

And then she looked at the people around her. The anticipation on their faces. The curiosity in their eyes. The acceptance that she had been waiting for so long.

She couldn’t do that. Not just yet. It was a painful pill to swallow but she couldn’t even dream of asking for that much. One step at time.

There would be another occasion. A better one.

For now it was alright to enjoy what she had now. At least the fact that they would finally be closer. They reached for her. She shouldn’t just give them a reason to push her away again. She gulped loudly and shut her eyes tight.

“My name is Virgil.” she spilled the words like it was a bitter medicine. But it wasn’t a medicine. It was poison. “It’s just like a band-aid. You just gotta rip it off…” she mumbled to herself with the voice that was way too deep and hoarse for her liking and opened her eyes.

Well, they were not pleased.

_“So am I…”_

“Virgil?” Logan tasted the name on his tongue with a pinch of something that she couldn’t place quite right. Was he unconvinced? Did he by any chance… expected more feminine name? She tried to calm herself down. No, of course Logan didn’t mean that this way. He saw exactly what there was to see. A person looking just like him.

Masculine. With deep voice and dark eyes. With board, _flat_ chest and sharp features.

Logan saw a male.

All of them did.

“I think it is an awesome name!” cheered Thomas, breaking one, fragile heart in the process. But how could he know-

She wanted to fight, she wanted to kick, she wanted to yell them right in their faces, she wanted to expose herself here and now.

But she didn’t. Instead she bit her cheek, bringing herself back to this room. In this room she couldn’t be herself. Not just yet.

Heart was painfully knocking her chest and ribs.

“You can call me Virge.” she suggested quietly. It felt better. Way better. Virge sounded good, nice, lighter. Still it hurt that she couldn’t tell them that it wasn’t the shorter version of “Virgil”. It wasn’t shorter version of “Virgil” at all.

 

—

 

Life had been better, easier for Virge ever since they accepted her. It didn’t took all the heavy feeling off her chest but it was still something.

Yet some things didn’t change.

The numb shots of pain when they were referring to her as if she was a boy. The uncomfortable feeling when one time Patton walked into her room when she was changing her clothes. The bittersweet flavour on her tongue when Roman was once again whining that it’s too bad that there’s no princess among them because he wanted to paint nails with someone.

But it was too risky. It was all too risky to react to any of these situations.

So there she was sniffing in the bathroom, trying her best not to look into the mirror, which was lying to her ever since she was born. She didn’t want much. Not yet at least. She only wanted long, shiny hair and gentle makeup on her eyes. She wanted to wear dresses and maybe even heels if she had a good day. She wanted to be called stupid feminine pet-names. She wanted to be “pretty” not “handsome”.

“Virgil?” someone knocked the door and Virge quickly wiped the tears that were streaming down her face “Are you alright there, kiddo?”

“Y-yeah!” she was good at hiding her tears. She had been doing it for a while now. The only difference was that now someone cared.

“You sure, son?” dwelled Patton.

A wince of hurt and disgust crossed Virge’s face but luckily enough no one except of her saw that. Normally she could hide it better.

“I’m fine, I just need some time alone!” she yelled back, begging that Patton would leave quickly. Fresh tears raised up in her eyes, the lump in her throat grew bigger.

“What is going on here?” another muffled voice joined the conversation. Logan. He sounded calm but concerned.

“Oh, Logan! Good that you’re here! I think that poor Virgil’s got sick!” whined Patton behind the door and Virge could almost see his “kicked-puppy” eyes. Even to see it in her head made her sad.

With one quick move of a hand, she wiped her eyes once again. They were puffy but she could easily blame it on sleepless night. She wouldn’t be even lying. It’s been quite a while since she saw Sleep anyway.

“Oh darn Pat, I’m not sick! I just didn’t get enough sleep!” she opened the door abruptly, hoodie hanging on her shoulders, just like anguish was hanging on her heart.

They were all there at that point. She had missed when Roman arrived but it didn’t matter. She allowed them to look at her only for a slice of a second before rushing to her room. No one had the right to bug her in her room. They drew boundaries few weeks ago when, soon after her acceptance, sides started to randomly appear in there. She didn’t want them to see her, when she didn’t want to be seen. When they could see through who she really was. No, it threatened with being pushed back into the shadows and she couldn’t afford that. Not again.

Making sure that the door behind her were shut tightly, Virge threw herself on the bed.

Why couldn’t she just feel like the others did? Was she a freak? Virge, she, a factor of personality of a male, was a female. What a freakshow indeed.

Why didn’t she have more courage? Roman being his dramatic self was so natural, even though everything he did was way too extra. Logan could easily pull the serious-teacher attitude even though he was more of a mad scientist sometimes. Patton after admitting that he wasn’t always a ray of sunshine, was always so… fitting. They all had courage to do that. To change, to react, to declare, to scream.

So why her, she, Virge, why she didn’t allow her own nature to flow out? Why she was so scared of painting her nails and doing her makeup? Why she was so scared of admitting the truth to the people who loved her so much and whom she so desperately wanted to prove that she trusted them back?

She walked over to her closet, opening it widely. Most of her clothes were dark hoodies and loose shirts but… She also had a secret. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever dared to sew herself. It was the main reason why she learnt how to sew on the first place. Because how else could she explain buying a dress? And not just any dress. It was the most beautiful piece of clothing she had ever owned. It was deeply purple and was reaching down her knees, crossed with a wide black ribbon on the level of her waist. She was secretly wearing pieces of it every day, sewed into her patched hoodie. She was so proud of that trick. Every time she was feeling insecure, she was looking at the patches that reminded her of the masterpiece in her closet.

She barely wore this dress, saving it on special occasions when she was feeling really down. Her fingers lingered on the soft fabric and the decision was made instantly. She quickly slipped out of her clothes, letting each piece fall on the ground. She wasn’t the one for fairy tales but somehow this moment reminded her of The Ugly Duckling. Virge giggled to herself lightly, carefully putting the dress on.

She glimpsed at the mirror. Better, much better but still not quite there.

The brushes and palettes of eyeshadows found their way to her skillful fingers. She had been doing that millions times after all. Her eyelids fluttered under the shimmering silver shadows, she winked to her reflection as she finished drawing the perfect black lines around her eyes. Many people may had assumed that she would go for some dark, sinister colour of lipstick but it wasn’t Virge’s choice today. She carefully covered her lips with cherry-pink lip gloss and puckered her lips.

Well, didn’t she look just fantastic? Still not perfect but much better. Much more delicate, gentle, much more feminine. She liked that. Finally feeling a little bit better in her own body, she could take a little bit deeper breath. And it somehow made her feel more real.

Virge got up of the floor and in a heat of a moment, twirled around her room. The dress was flowing around her, exposing her pale, long, smooth legs. She didn’t always feel like wearing a dress but when she did she was ready to slay. Her heart was free from the tantrum, mixed with sorrow that were her companions all day long. A cheerful laugh escaped out of her parted lips and she quickly raised her hand to the mouth, muffling it. She didn’t want anyone to hear her. She didn’t want questions. She wanted to twirl in her dress forever.

A soft knock, like a cold shower, threw her out of her land of dreams and hopes.

“Virge?” it was Roman. How ironically. But at least the name was right.

“Hmm?” hummed Virge in response, quickly slipping out of her dress and wiping the lip gloss with a tissue. In case Roman wanted to walk inside, she had to, at least, get rid of the most obvious evidences.

“I heard that you didn’t sleep well last night and-”

“Hey gurl!” a cheerful voice greeted her behind the door and a smile crept on Virge’s face as she was quickly washing off her make-up.

“Coming, coming!” she groaned in reply, shoving the dress and make-up bag to her closet and putting on the large hoodie that she so carelessly threw on the floor, just few minutes ago.

Remy and Roman were already waiting for her outside the room, both smiled in union as she opened the door. Virge always liked Remy. It felt like she could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge her no matter what.

Roman gestured at them.

“I thought that maybe Rem could help you a little bit with your sleeping problems.” he grinned at Virge honestly and her heart warmed up a little bit. It was moments like this one that gave her hope that maybe if one day she would come out, she would be fully accepted.

Beaming the brightest smile Virge could, she nodded gratefully, letting Remy in. As the doors closed behind them, leaving Roman humming cheerfully as he was walking down the hallway, Remy slurped loudly his Teavana.

“So tell me wassup, girl?” he sat on her bed, legs comfortably crossed, one hand holding the drink, the other taking out the phone, most likely to check his social media.

Virge bit her lips in attempt to hide the smile. Maybe it was a little bit biased but she liked Remy a lot more thanks to the “nicknames” he was using. She would be lying if she said it didn’t feel nice and right to be addressed in that way.

“Well…” she chewed her cheek anxiously. After all she didn’t have that much trouble with sleeping. If a sleepless night occurred it was due to her over thinking over things that Remy couldn’t really solve. “When it comes to sleeping…” she started sitting on the floor next to the bed.

“Ah!” sighed Remy loudly, with dramatics almost as strong as Roman was presenting on daily basis. “No, no, no! None of that, gurl!”

Virge frowned at his words. Did he want to help her after all? True, she wasn’t the one who called him but it always felt like they were in good relations…

Remy slipped off the bed, flopping on the floor next to Virge and gently nagged her knee. He looked at her behind his dark shades.

“I want to know what’s really up” he clarified quietly, catching the straw in his white teeth.

Virge turned her head away, tensing a little bit.

Her eyes fell on the reflection in the mirror that she forgot to hide in the closet.

She looked like a mess. Her eyes were still a little bit red from the tears that she spilled in the bathroom and a little bit puffy after she so aggressively tried to rub off her make-up. A corner of her lips was tinted with faint pink. Her arms were protectively wrapped around her knees, pulling hoodie as low as she could, since she didn’t have time to put on her jeans.

She didn’t mean to cry. She really didn’t. But when a sob wrecked through her body she wasn’t surprised. By instinct Virge curled up to her left, meeting Remy’s chest in the process. He didn’t say anything as she was sniffing right into his shirt, as her salty tears were wetting his jacket. He was just sitting right there, rubbing slow circles on her back until she calmed down and moved away.

“Better, girlie?”

The question raised a wave of happiness in her chest once again. It was so easy to make her feel like that, it almost felt stupid. She nodded, rubbing her eyes.

“Good. Now get your ass off the floor and put something on because I have a feeling that you’re not really comfortable in that.” said Remy, crossing his arms on the chest. Virge blinked in surprise and he smiled mockingly. “First of all, your hoodie is inside out… Second of all before you opened your door, I heard that you were doing some sort of hot mess in your room and obviously that wasn’t me… Third of all… I see a piece of clothing, peeking out of your closet, that I’m pretty sure I haven’t seen before. And I don’t mean only physical closet.” Remy winked at Virge who, unsure of her own emotions, got up slowly.

She wasn’t sure if she got what Remy was saying right but…

“What are you waiting for, giiiirl?” Remy clicked his tongue before snapping his own forehead “Ah, you probably want me to turn around, do you? Of course, you do.” he said and with these words, he shifted on his spot to face the wall.

Virge’s heart fluttered.

She ran over to the closet a little bit anxious but mostly happy. The doubt was still there. Maybe Remy was just playing around. Maybe she would tell him that he could look again, he would see her in the dress and start laughing but for now… it didn’t matter. She was waiting for a push like that for ages now and maybe, maybe it was worth a try.

Her heart was pounding so hard when she, hidden behind the doors of the closet, was slipping the dress back on. She peeked quickly checking if Remy’s still facing the wall. Yep, he hadn’t moved even by an inch. She giggled happily.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this…” Virge whispered to herself, almost choking on the flood of emotions that was flowing through her.

“I can’t believe you’re taking sooo loooong.” groaned Remy, who apparently heard her “But, I guess you have full right to do that, doll.”

She hummed in reply, carefully re-applying the make-up. If she was to show herself, she wanted to do that with style. She scoffed herself at this thought. Wouldn’t that be something that Roman would say? The lip gloss once again was tugging her lips as she declared proudly:

“You can look now!”

Remy shifted on his spot, letting the shades slip down his nose as he slurped his tea once again, waiting for Virge to come out.

She made sure that her steps were slow, she made sure that her dress was flowing with every gesture. The proud smile bloomed on her face as she saw an admiration in Remy’s eyes. She twirled on the middle of the room.

“Well?” Virge stopped few meters in front of Remy, peaking at the mirror. Somehow the dress looked even better on her, when someone else was in the room.

“Well?” asked Remy in a little bit high-pitched tone, which made Virge look back at him, anxiety once again forming in her stomach. The male got up slowly, eyes never leaving Virge in her astonishing creation. “Damn gurl, you look amazing!”

He strolled around her scanning every inch of her body in the way that made her heart flip. There was no desire in his eyes, of course. Just pure admiration but it wasn’t what made her happy. It was the fact that she knew that now  _he_  knew that he was looking at a girl. She didn’t even realize when tears started running down her face, creating silver, glimmering streams across her pink cheeks.

“Oi! No, no, no. No more tears…?”

“V-virge. Virge is okay.” she sniffed happily.

“Of course.” nodded Remy, wiping the drop out of her eye-corner. “No more tears, Virge. Girl, there are still some people who hasn’t seen your wonderful self yet!”

“Like… today?” Virge opened her eyes wide opened, confusion shining in those dark, obsidian orbs.

Remy shrugged.

“I mean… Why not? You already look gorgeous.” he snapped his fingers at her before scratching the chin “Of course if you don’t feel like it we can-”

“No!” Virge shook her head frantically “I’ve never felt more ready!” she stated trying her best to be calm, meeting Remy’s gentle gaze as he took of his shades.

“Then let’s get this party rolling, shall we, guuurl?” he asked taking a loud slurp of his Teavana.

 

—

 

She could hear their voices coming from downstairs. Like through a fog she heard Remy explaining something vividly but the words were muffled, like there was a massive, thick block of ice between them, not just some stupid stairs. She anxiously caressed her perfect, purple dress, trying to spot any lost, forgotten, nasty wrinkle. It had to be perfect. She had to look perfect. That was her big (quite unexpected) day.

The fabric was getting wet under her sweaty fingers. She tried to stop herself from trembling  but she couldn’t.

What if it went wrong? What if they started laughing at her? Did she look ridiculous? What if they wouldn’t accept her? What if, what if, what if…?

The train of thoughts seemed to have no end, as expected when one was an embodiment of anxiety.

She closed her eyes and took few deep breaths.

It’s going to be alright.

They loved Virgil, why wouldn’t they love Virginia?

They loved  **Virge** , why wouldn’t they love  _Virge_?

They love Vi, why wouldn’t they love Ginny?

She didn’t even realize when Remy downstairs stopped talking, until he climbed up and gently patted her arm. She looked at him, blind with nervousness, her mind still full of worst case scenarios.

“You’re gonna be fineee, ma’am. I’ve only told them to shut up until you’re done talking.” he leaned and purred into her ear, adjusting the stripe of her dress.

Before she realized, her arms were wrapped around his waist, her chin resting in the crook of his neck.

“Woah, easy, easy, doll. I promise, you’re gonna be just fine.” he winked at her after she let him go.

Virge took one more deep breath.

“You’re gonna be right here all the time, right…? In case something went wrong…?” she asked cautiously, her stomach twisting in all ways possible.

Remy laughed quietly.

“Nothing will go wrong but yes, I will be here all the time…” he sat down the wall and with one quick gesture conjured himself another plastic cup with characteristic green logo “You go, girl. It’s your show time!”

She nodded slowly and took first step. The floor seemed to sink under her feet, swallowing her ankles, before Virge took yet another step down. Her heart was hammering against her ribs and she was pretty sure that guys downstairs could hear her.

She could do that. She could do that. She could do that.

She could trust them.

Like in some sappy, romantic comedy, all the moments that proved that she could rely on her famILY flashed through her head. Her birthday. Their Christmas. New Year. The tears they shared with Patton. The fights followed with nervous apologizes with Roman. The debates over pancakes with Logan.

She could trust them.

Not looking back, she quickly ran downstairs before she had the time to change her mind. Of course, just appearing in her usual spot would be much easier and faster but it felt that she had to do it this way. She had to let the atmosphere flow through her, just like the air was flowing around her bare ankles. There was no perfect way to do that. In some way she also could never be fully ready but if she was to do it… it had to be now.

As soon as her feet touched the floor, as soon as she, in her full glory with sparkling eyelids and tugged in delicate dress, stood on the level of the common room, she heard a loud gasp. Keeping her eyes closed she raised her head a little bit higher.

 _“That’s it! This is me!”_ she wanted to yell but her throat was dry. Froze on the spot, she didn’t even dare to peek-open her eyes, until she heard very cautious voice:

“You look… magnificent.” Roman was the first one to speak up.

Her lips quirked up involuntarily, slowly allowing her eyelids to travel up.

They were all looking at her but there was no spite, no hatred in their eyes. Only admiration and something else… something that reminded of… pride maybe?

“Agreed.” nodded Logan “Truly an outstanding creation, Virgil-”

“Actually I prefer Virge.” she cut shortly, blushing furiously.

“Virge as…?” asked Patton quietly, his eyes shining with the light that Virge loved so much. He was glowing with parental pride.

She gulped. That was the moment she had been waiting for so long.

“Virge as in Virginia. Virge, Virginia, Ginny.” This name, finally being said out loud, tasted even sweeter than she remembered it.

“Virginia.” repeated Logan after her, bringing back memories from months ago.

“Mhm.” she hummed, not being able to form any logical answer, her eyes started getting blurry with fresh tears.

“Awwww, kiddo!” cooed Patton before throwing his arms around Virge and kissing her both cheeks “Having a daughter! What a wonderful surprise!”

She laughed quietly, the big lump in her throat was slowly fading away. The hug tightened as she sniffed.

“P-patton, I can’t breathe…” she hissed weakly, her eyes traveling from Logan to Roman. Just because Patton accepted her didn’t mean that-

“Well, I guess that it explains a lot of your behaviors.” said Logan and smiled warmly to Virge before moving himself closer. He, then, took her hand and gently squeezed. A gesture worth more than thousands words. “Thank you for trusting us… Virginia.”

“Seriously…” she mumbled, blushing slightly “You can call me Virge.”

“Ha!” laughed Roman shortly, all eyes suddenly shot in his direction and Virge’s chest tightened once again “Now, you have no excuse against my nail-art sessions, my real-life Corpse Bride!” he sang playfully and before she realized what was happening, she felt herself being lifted up in the air.

Roman twirled her around few times and she let her, this time happy, tears fly around them. Finally when he put her down on the floor, her cheeks were tinted with pink while her eyes were glowing with the light none of the sides had seen before.

She took a deep breath.

For the first time, her chest didn’t feel too tight.

Virge. Virginia. Ginny.

 

_Fin._

**Author's Note:**

> side note: I did my research, I talked to a bunch of people who know this subject better than me but it doesn’t change the fact that I haven’t experianced situation like this on my own skin (nb in the closet). If you feel that something was not shown in the right or accurate way, please let me know. I did my best but as I said, this in not per se my field. I know that I barely scratched the subject, I know that there is much, much more than just what I tried to describe in the fic. I know that not all the stories (sadly) have a happy ending like here. To all of you who still struggle, who feel like they were being pushed away or unaccepted: I can assure you that you are not alone. They are kind people on this world, always ready to help. Stay strong~


End file.
